Monday, March 27, 2006

Adam and 'St'eve stand up !!!

Before i embark on my long article i wish to issue a caveat to all those who read my blog. Since my blog is read more by females(shud i rename my blog as femina or 'swathi' !!) , lemme tell u ladies the following thing has lots of expletives and if ur a kind of person who winces at them please stay from this. I promise next time something more edible will be there for u to digest. This one is just for my personal satisfaction.

A couple of days ago, i felt heartening on reading an article which says that "In a bid to make a space for themselves in the society, homosexuals of the metropolis have come together to form an association to fight for their rights and create awareness among peer groups". This association is called Men Community Development Scoiety(dont brand it as chauvinist !!). Its a 300 member association.

The best part about this article is that the association in not formed in a progressive place like mumbai or delhi or bangalore but in a predominantly conservative city, chennai. Now this is the same city which harangued khushboo on her pre-marital sex comments and issued show-cause notices to shilpa shetty and reema sen on wearing "revealing" clothes.

This is a progressive small step towards big things to occur in future. But good things are ephemeral. When delhi high court said that its high time homosexuals are due the deserved respect the supreme court intervenes and says that the indian society is not yet "ready" to accept homosexuals atleast for next five years. So the case has been quashed(sine die i guess !!)

So the sc thinks that we are not ready for radical reforms. The sc forgets the ancient history of india. The kamasutra vividly describes the pictures of homosexuals in different positions. The ajanta & ellora caves bear stiking testimony to this fact. But we are not "ready" still. We are "ready" to accept tainted ministers, we are "ready" to accept corruption as part of our daily life, we are "ready" to accept terrorist attacks as subversive acts, we are "ready" to accept the mallika sherawats,bipasha basus as perfect substitutes for nargis,madhubala, we are "ready" to accept india's defeat to second string english team, we are "ready" to accept sonia gandhi as epitome of sacrifice even after her face saving act ,we are "ready" to accept bpo jobs which the developed countries loathe at, we are "ready" to wear designer clothes designed by designers who blithely describe themselves as gay but we are not yet "ready" to accept homosexuals.

The other day i was watching the 80's hit mard. In one scene amrita singh whips amitabh bachchan as if flogging is an aphrodisiac for her. After a long whipping she asks him

"kis mitti ke bane ho tum. Tumhe dard nahi hota"

Then Big B brazenly answers

"memsaab jo mard hota hai use dard nahi hota"

Cut to biggest block-busters of 2001 and 2003(K3G n KHNH resp) shah rukh cries inconsolably as if there's no tomorrow. And lo behold the "metrosexual" male arrives and saif ali khan only redefines the finer points.

When we can accept a male who goes to padicure and manicure at regular intervals and who thinks being mawkish is cool. When a male can show his undies (a la salaam namaste) or can wear his wife's undies ( a la david beckham) we dont term them deviant. Then why single out homosexuals.

When sania mirza's displays her chutzpah at wimbledon through her tee which blares out that

"Well behaved women seldom make history"

The media hails her as the modern women and the people(including the conservative muslims) accept the paeans.. But this same society is not "ready" to accept homosexuals. The victorian code of morals has made supreme court without much firepower it seems.

Whoever had the courage to read uptil now might say that may be we are really not "ready". Well cynics, the next few lines are for you. Whatever happens within four walls between consenting adults should not be a problem for others. And mind you homosexuals means not having sex. Its more of compatibility. Jake gyllenhaal says one memorable dialogue in the immensely popular and heart-wrenching brokeback mountain to heath ledger "I wish i could leave you". This defines homosexuality for me. When someone is comfortable with the person of his same gender why should it be a problem. Technically speaking, most of the girls and boys are lesbians and gays.

Most of the girls and boys -leaving aside the sporadic tomboys and studs- are with the people of their same gender. They sit together, eat together, sleep together(in hostels),share their wildest fantasies and what not.. But does that make them homosexuals.. The answer is a big NO. But theres an element of truth in that. Some of them may feel comfortable in each other's company and hope to live together.
We all say that there were only adam and eve not adam and 'st'eve.. Its all CRAP !!
Adam and eve are myth.

The reason why i am advocating for homosexual rights is that in a normal marriage when partner dies the other partner gets the property. But not so in a homosexual relationship. The homosexuals cannot accept children. Isnt this deplorable for a democracy whose preamble shouts equal rights, right to freedom. Was that just an eye-wash. I hope NO.

In the booker winner "line of beauty" which is set in aristocratic english milieu two guys go into a park and when their hormones get aroused one of the guy performs fellatio and the cop overlooks. Cut to india forget fellatio even if two guys hug each other they are gonna be booked under POTA act.

So does the homosexuals deserve this unfair treatment especially in a country where a seemingly extinct species hunter(salman khan in this case) is being harassed for seven years. When animals Are shown this much of regard the homosexuals need a bit of commiseration. Thats it.

P.S: Just when the MCDS formed in chennai at the same time MSM is formed in guntur. Now MSM is an acronym for "men having sex with men". Now these are the perverts who think committing sodomy will give them an entry into the venerable homosexual community. Shutting down these kind of clubs will expedite the process of accepting homosexuals in the society.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Pandu is coming

Yesterday i saw the trailer of pokiri. And my first reaction was WOW !! The one minute trailer is a virtual feast for all mahesh fans(including yours truly). The initial mass walk with hands in air is just superb. Then follows the slap scene where he says

"evadu kodite dimma tirigi mind block ayipotado.. aade PANDUGADU "

The cleft lip in the lift is just too good.
And the way he falls while looking at ileana made me fall for mahesh(no brokeback here plss)

His smile in the train will make all girls envious of namrata shirodkar.
And my god the way he deflates his chest is damn superb.

The bharatnatyam step of mahesh will surely be a rage once the trailer is on air.

And the perfect denoument comes at the 53rd second where he says

"Nenu entha yadavano naake teleedu"

In short, puri jagannadh is at his best. We can see his idiot days back. The way chantigadu became a rage pandugadu is gonna be a double rage. The background of mani sarma fits perfectly to the mood of the film.

Special mention must be made of the photography of shyam.k.nayudu. The grading techniques and the camera angles are mind blowing to say the least. Rest assured this will be mahesh's most effusive character.

All his vivacious films like murari,vamsi,bobby,takkari donga bombed more or less
at the bix-office. This one is going to reverse the trend forever. I am waiting(just like millions of others) for the last week of april when the movie gets a theatrical release.

Beware ntr.. Dont call urself mass hero anymore.. The most class hero with ultimate mass touch is here.. Pandu vastunnadu..

P.S: I would like to thank for providing me the trailer..

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Finally !! God has answered my prayers

An year ago when sachin battled with that tennis elbow and finally against all odds came back onto the field he was jittery . The same thing is happening to emraan hashmi (read it as kissme). When anyone of his millions of
fans across the perverse community of the world, look at the way hes smooching in gangster , will feel bad for the hero. This was the guy who virtually bit mallika sherwat's lip in murder and is now doing a la vivek oberoi and abhishek bachchan. Hes not at his menacing best just like sachin was after coming back from the injury. Theres no navel groping,no touching of the errogenous zones, not being able to smooch for more than 5seconds, no neck biting. God !! Let the phoenix rise from the ashes as soon as possible.

But we have to consider the trauma he had to go before coming back to what he is good at - smooching(according to the bloody cynics). He had to make a public statement that he wont be kissing anymore on screen (poor girls !!). Then what made him retreat from his horrendous decision and come back to scorch the screen.
He wont be able to tell those reasons publicly ,but i being a staunch fan of his can tell what happened and why he had to make the hard decision of smooching on screen again..

1) Emraan was to get a multi million advertisement deal with polo,menthos and all he mint producing companies to promote their respective brands. Who else can be a better brand ambassador. Just imagine emraan after smoking a box of cigarettes and then popping off one mint in his mouth and go and kiss a starlet besides him.
And the starlet will say kya taazgi hai.. If he doesnt kiss then emraan is bound to lose a big lucrative -and probably the only one -endorsement.

2) All the aspiring film heroes and heroines reached emraan and asked him to "smooch" them through. Because smooching is sure way to success and he is the only encyclopaedia available in india on smooching..

3) All the producers who produce his movies thronged his home and said how the audience are retreating from theatres after learning tht there wont be any kisses. So its mandatory in his contract to have atleast three 30
seconds smooches in their movies.

4)All the starlets(udita goswami,tanushree dutta,diya mirza ,celina jaitley and reportedly mallika mam also) requested emraan to reconsider his decision because without emraan they cant ignite that same passion.

Considering his status of a demi-god in the pervert zeitgeist and due to his altruistic intentions emraan agreed to do what he is good at -smooching(damn critics !!).

Atlast god listened to my prayers made a few days ago in this same blog. All the perverts and voyeurs(including yours truly) are waiting for the menacing emraan.
We r sure thats round the corner. After all his next film is titled bad boys.. God knows how a good boy can do a movie about bad boys ???

Can anyone out there answer ??

Sunday, March 12, 2006

The cliches i have been through in indian cinema

Karan johar says "I love cliches".

Well the whole of india likes them and thats the exact reson why indian cinema has remained stagnant- thanks to some mavericks it got revived thru the "hinglish" culture- and CLICHED .

Be it the K-thing with karan johar or the gyration of our choli strapped heroines or else the temperate behaviour of our leading men who never feel like touching a sexy drenched heroine for reasons best known to them(thanks to the likes of shawar ali,aryan vaid,emraan hashmi heroes are perceived as normal men).

A beautiful and rich girl falls in love with a poor guy because of the only reason that he loves her more than his own life. Now this stupid girl needs to be told that a beautiful and rich girl is a dream combo and any guy will do anything to get that combo. But NAH.. She wills against her dad and elopes with this good-for-nothing-except-loving guy.

The one cliche i love in indian cinema is nirupa roy.

The following are some of the cliches i have lived through in my cinematic experiences.

* The classic: "main tumhaare bachche ki maa banne waali hoon."

* The eternal reason for being the victim of anything that can happen to you in hindi films :
" Mai gareeb hoon na , isliye ...."

* A main character in the movie will go to the temple and say :
"Bhagwan mainey tumse aaj tak kuch nahin maanga....."

* Old hindi movie : "Aiye ji sunte ho.. Aap bade woh hein."

* Lover-girl to leaving lover-boy : "Mai tumhare bina nahin jee sakti "

* "Kanoon ke haath bahut lambe hote hein"

* "Rukjao! kanoon ko apne haath mein mat lo"

* Judge announcing his decision in filmi court : "Gawaaoon key bayaanat aur saboot ko madde nazar rakhtey Taz-e-raat-e-hind, dafaa 302 ke tahet , muzrim ko sazaaye maut di jaati hai"

* "Muzrim ko ba-izzat bari kiya jaata hai"

* "Main is Geeta per haath rakhkar yeh saugandh leta hoon ki jo bhi kahoonga sach kahoonga, aur sach ke siva kuch nahin kahoonga."

* "Inspector! Giraftaar karlo issey"

* "Raam Raam kaaka"

* "Jug Jug jiyo beta "

* "Ab hum kisi ko muh dikhaane ke layak nahin rahe"

* "Kya issi din ke liye tujhe paal pos ke bada kiya tha?"

* Typical farmer ka dialogue : "mainey is zameen ko apne khoon sey seencha hai"

* Hero/heroine after opening their eyes in the hospital : "Main kahan hoon?"

* "Mai kahti hoon, Door ho jaa meri nazron sey"

* "Is ghar ke darwaaze, tumhare liye hamesha ke liye band hein"

* A Prem-Chopra-type villian to the heroine/village belle : "In gori gori kalaiyon ko kaam karne ki kya zaroorat hai"

* "Chhod do mujhe, bhagwaan ke liye chhod do"

* "Maine tumhe kya samjha, Aur tum kya nikley!"

* Doctor : " Ab Sab oopar waale key haath mein hai"

* Doctor : "Chowbees ghante tak hosh nahin aiya to ..... "

* "Agar Maa ka doodh piya hai to saamne aa."

* "Jyaada hoshiayari karne ki koshish maat karna "

* Amitabh in many movies : " Nahin chhodunga tujhe. Jaan sey maar daaloonga."

* "Bhagwaan pe bharosa rakho. Sab thik ho jaiye ga"

* "Woh ek gandi naali ka keeda hai"

* "Woh kutte ki maut marega "

* "Ajji sunte ho , munna ke pitajee "

* Rich father to son : " Ek phooti kaudi nahin doonga "

* "Zamaane ne thokar laga-laga ke is dil ko paththar bana diya"

* Dharmendra in many movies : " Kutte! Kamine ! ....."

* Dharmendra : "Chun Chun ke maaroonga, ek-ek ko chun chun ke maroonga"

* Lalita Pawar in many scenes : " Chudeil! Kide pade tere ....."

* The favoirite emotional blackmail : "Tune yeh kiya to tu mere mara muh dekhegi "

* All filmi chowkidaars : " Shhalaam Shhaab!"

* Inspector Iftekar on a megaphone : " Apne aap ko police ke hawaale kar do. Police ne chaaron taraf sey tumhe gher liya hai. Apne hathiyaar phenk do "

* "Bhaagne ki koshish mat karna"

* "pulice ko tum jaise naujawaanon per naaz hai"

* The classic : " Thairo! Yeh shaadi nahin ho sakti !"

* The villian's sidekick : "Boss! Maal pakda gaya "

* "Bol! Bol heere kahan chuppa rakhe hai "

* "Ab tumhari maa hamare kabze mein hai"
"Agar tum paanch llaakh leker, silver beech ke puraney killey pe nahin aiye, to mai usse bum se udaa doongaa"

* "Yeh sauda tumhe bahut mehnga padega"

* "Jo sheeshe ke gharon mein rehte hein, woh doosron pe paththar nahin phenkte"

* "Hum woh hein jo paththar ko kaanch se tod-liya karte hein"

* - The stereotypical announcer : "Bhaiyon aur behnon ...." "Ladies and Gentelmen ..."
- Mehmood, the announcer : "Ladies and Ledas ...."

* "Mai tumahara aihsaan zindagi bhar nahin bhoolonga"

* "Itnay paise tum kahan sey laiye ?"

* "Police mere peeche lagi hui hai .."

* "Tum mere liye mar chuke ho"

* "Ghar mein do-do jawaan betiyaan hein"

* "Lo! - Muh meetha karo"

* "Hato naa! Log kya kahenge"

* "Khabardaar jo mujhe haath bhi lagayaa .."

* "Aarre! isse to tez bukhaar hai"

* "Aaj Pinky ka janam din hai"

* "Gurkha, isse dhakke maarke bahar nikaal do"

* Nirupa roy's favourite "Ek baar mujhe maa kehkar pukaro beta"

* "... mujhe tumhaare is behte hue khoon ki kasam ...."

* "Beti, tu to paraya dhan hai"

* "Zabaan ko lagaam do .."

* "Pesh hai duniya ke jaane-maane kalakaar, Miss Renu"

* On a suhaagraat nite, wife to husband : " Doodh pee lijiya"

* "Hume tedi anguli se ghee nikaalna aata hai"

* "Kutte ki dum tedi-ki-tedi hi rehti hai"

* "Bhabhi, tumhare haath ki chai peene ko man kar raha hai"

* "Tune mere peeth pe chura bhoka hai"

Even karan johar got bored of the bromides like culture,ethics ad infinitum and is making kabhi alvida na kehna which is based on extra marital affairs.

Now menage-a-trois is not a cliche in indian movies.

P.S.: One instance where i saw how assimilated the cliches in our blood
I was watching kal ho naa ho and in the supposedly mawkish climax where srk is bound to die and saif n preity confront him.. And while this scene is going on there was an another scene going on beside me. There was a cute little gujarati girl crying inconsolably.
She was telling her mom "director gadhedoche bhagavan ka help kyun nahi leta !!"

Hows tht for a cliche ??

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

It was a gala affair with oodles of wisecracks

I have never ever seen an oscars ceremony live. 6th march was the first time when i watched the academy awards live. What an experience it is to watch this programme live from the kodak theter, a very aptly named one for its eponymous moments. The man to host the ceremony this year was the political satirist john stewart and he kept everyone in splits for those three and half hours.

The stand-out wisecracks according to me are as follows

1) Mr.Spielberg made Schindlers list and munich. Jews will feel very happy and what next is it "TRILOGY".

2)I have been wanted to do an act with this lady for quite a long time and she claims this is it.

3) martin scorcese won 0 oscars and 36 mafia won 1 oscar.

4) Capote reinforces the fact that not all gays are virile cowboys

5) Hollywood has always dealt with contentious topics like racism,drugs,aids etc and believe me they were never an issue again

6) Thank god this show is ending on time. I will be on time to watch desperate housewives

7) Matt dillon is here,paul haggis is down there , Sandra bullock is over there, Brendan fraser is at tht corner. U know what raise your hand whoever is not in crash

8)Cinderella man shud get make up award becos they made him actually look as going for a fight.

Any1 who reads this and not watched the ceremony might feel out of place. Bear with me people.

Robert altman who got honorary achievement made a rocking speech.

Ang lee thanked his fictitious characters. So sweet na

Ben stiller was stellar in tht green get up

Owen wilson made a sarcastic remark on himself

George clooney was at his humourous best

The crash team went over the moon and cathy schulma toh phoolein nahi sam paa rahi thi

I hope to someday cover that ceremony.. Now thats my dream..


Whoopi goldberg ur indeed right in saying that oscar is the only 78 yr old man in the whole world who does not need a viagra for three and half hours.

Its high time men shed their chauvinism

Today its international womans day. Thanks god its happening at international level. If its only in india i would have felt really squirmed right away. The only cause for celebrating this day would be that the economy is booming and women never had such a great wide variety of options.

Barring the economic front, in all other fronts women are still lagging. All thanks to the pukeable male chauvinism. If we could have half that chauvinism towards our country it would long have been an economic super power. Take for instance the jessica lall case. The cad (manu sharma) shot the lady just because she refused him a drink after hours. This woman was a perfect present day woman. She did modelling and bartending as part-time. This was in way back 1999. She had such a bright future. But the pervert who shot her had his ego hurt and so he shot her.

These days BPO sector is in a great boom and just when women have frequented their homes at "odd hours" ,a woman was raped and brutally killed in bangalore in the cab itself. I think this should be the food for thought to officials to legalise prostitution.

Legalisation of prostitution will bring money for govt(as if it is empty now !!) and all these guys who fear conviction if caught in the lap of a tollop,will get a haven to show their "virility". The sex surveys in national magazines have shown a trend and thats quite pacifying in these turbulent times. One in every four women in india have had pre-marital sex. It seems that women are not going to marry men who are not virgin. Before the trend used to be otherwise. The likes of Kalpana chawla ,arundhati roy et al., have put india on world map.But just when u uncork the champagne theres this suicide of mandeep randhawa which asserts the fact that these so called progressive women resort of coward acts.

Its gratifying that atleast one section of women have taken cudgels and tried to question the soporofic mores of the country. Way to go gals and ladies.

HAPPY WOMANS DAY to all those brave woman in this entire world.

P.S: This blog was meant for humour,humour and humour but i read recently somewhere that the younger generation is looking to blogs for happenings around the world. SO that made me more responsible towards my peers who think that "only IAS aspirants" read the newspaper editorials. I dont blame ya guys and gals. Its just the times we are living in

Monday, March 06, 2006

Kudos to Ang Lee

I am usually a guy with an attitude which is predominantly laidback and that i guess has been my greatest undoing over the years. Anwyays i am not using this platform to give a soliloquoy. But the thing is that i never do my work when it is to be done but today i watched a movie and that made me do something so very uncharacteristic of me. But am not complaining because it deserves this amount of respect.

Usually i dont like romantic movies much. Mushy mushy romance is a big NO for me. The only romantic movie which i liked was gitanjali(directed by mani ratnam).I liked it beacuse the villain is the situation itself. The love story of two dying patients made me empathise with those characters.

After all these years it was brokeback mountain which made me feel in the same way. My first reaction after the movie was "HOLY JESUS !! BLESS ANG LEE" On a superficial level brokeback consists of sodomy,some real passionate smooches between the male protagonists and oodles of breast baring. This will definitely raise some eyebrows but those were intrinsic part of the film and they were not forced in the plot.
The plot is set in 1970's and is a gay romance between two cowboys and how the stigma attached to homosexuality forces them apart (F@#$ing society !!!)
The trials and tribulations which they go through after separation forms the crux of the movie and MAN !! the director has done one hell of a great job.

Some of the stand out scenes in the film for me are :

1) The first love making scene between the male protagonists and those smooches will definitely give emraan hashmi huge complex.

2)The scene where jake gyllenhaal harangues heath ledger for sacrificing their love for the sake of the society.

3)The scene where ledger's wife tells him that he forgot the fishing gear while going for fishing.

4) The scene where a distraught jake gyllenhaal goes to a male prostitute.

5) And of course the whole denoument makes the viewer feel for ennis del moro. The way he still thinks jack twist will come back is a kodak moment.

Photography of rodrigo prieto deserves a special mention for capturing the eponymous brokeback mountain in a breathtaking way.

The guitar strings of gustavo santaolalla transcends all human emotions in a soothing lilting manner.

I dont watch much of english movies and heath ledger was unknown to me except for the fact that i saw him in patriot. Hes given an oscar performance.The angst of the character has been quite effectively portrayed by ledger.

Jake gyllenhaal has graduated from day after tomorrow quite well.The good thing about these guys is the way they "swing both ways" .
The fact that ang lee is the man who made the absurd flick THE HULK really baffles me. But hes proven his mettle with brokeback mountain.

Brokeback mountain is one film which i may not watch with my mon but i will definitely show it to my children.

Its really heartening to see that so many "Deviant" scripts are finding applause.If last year it was charlize theron's lesbian portrayal in monster which fethced her an oscar this year brokeback mountain is the derby everyone is betting on .
Even truman capote is a gay author and capote is a fromt runner in best film category

Even on literary front last year the gay novel "line of beauty" won the booker.
So homosexuality is a t forefront at last for right reasons.

But god knows when the indians can watch brokeback mountain unedited on the silver screen. I can still remember when in alexander a mere peck of colin farrell got a censor cut. Thats how sick we are. No wonder we dint win any oscars. Touche baby touche.

P.S: I want to thank from deep within my heart the site and the bearshare software for letting me have the privilege of watching brokeback mountain wihtout any censor cutting

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Thank you rajeev

Well for once i am going to use the blog to write a personal encomium for myself.
It was 10:40 and i was watching now showing on CNN-IBN .
Suddenly the man -rajeev masand- who i admire the most since i am also a film aficionado like him blurts out my name and reads my review of taxi no.9211 which i personally liked.
The review is like this
"Taxi no.9211 is a bumpy yet very satisfying ride. The camaraderie between john and nana has worked so well that the occasional flaws got obscured. Its highly recommended and a complete paisa-vasool entertainer"

The link is

Now that my review has been aired on national channel it atleast assuages my ego.
I can atleast hope that if i become a journalist i am gonna find a motley group of readers.This doesn't mean that i have reached my apotheosis but certainly its a small yet an effective step for me.

I assure whoever is reading my blog that from next time onwards i will write on a more general level.
Is baar ke liye maaf kar do is bande ko.